Exercise: Go to a public place and make yourself fall in love. Look at that woman and how her hair falls in her eyes while reading. Stare at a tree and wonder about the marvels of growth and how many lovers have etched their names into its trunk throughout the years. Check out the guy smiling at his phone, not a care in the world. Imagine those soft full lips of the black man in the next seat on yours. Wonder what stories a bridge in a park could tell you.
I was a very lazy bloomer. I had always been interested in sexuality and creative outlets for it per se, but I didn't experience the full extent of my own sexuality until very recently. I liked guys, I liked dicks and that was that for me. And yet, I also liked to look at women, at their soft curves and their lucious red lips. I would have liked to kiss them.
When I was in high school, I once chastely kissed my best (female) friend good-bye. Someone saw us and made fun of it, so we jumped apart and forgot all about it. I liked boys.
At Emilie Autumn concerts they like to play a game where a woman, who has never kissed another woman, gets to be "corrupted" by Veronica Varlow. I painted a little sign that said "Kiss me, Miss V.!" and got called on stage to kiss her. It was fun, an act, but up close there was too much make up and too little feeling.
When I was finishing university, I made new friends on the internet who made me realize that there are people out there who actually live all those BDSM-fantasies in books - safe and sane and without abuse - and that there are a myriad ways of defining your own life - including your sexuality.
I always liked to kiss women, but I never wanted anything more. I didn't want to lick pussys - no need to be salty. The internet suggested the term "bi-curious" and for a while, I felt comfortable with it. Yes, I was curious about other women, but I wasn't 100% bisexual in the sense of 50% attracted to males and 50% attracted to females. I only wanted to have sex with men.
I met my husband in that aforementioned group of friends. He supports me in every way imaginable and I think he figured me out sooner than I. He encourages me to kiss women at BDSM-parties and is never jealous.
Last year, we went to such a party and everything changed. There was a woman, nothing really special, blonde, normal build, pretty eyes. She sat in a golden cage like she was the Queen of Saba and suddenly something inside me clicked. I wanted to do things to that woman. All the things I'd never wanted to do with women. She made me realise that bisexuality isn't 50/50. That bisexuality isn't about wanting to fuck every breathing person - there are very few Captain Jack Harknesses out there. That just like with heterosexuality you aren't attracted to everyone, just people with the right chemistry.
And in that moment, I finally came to terms with me. I have so much love to give and there are so many beautiful people out there, that I just won't limit myself in a world that puts so many restrictions on so many people. I'm that selfish.
I don't have the academic background or scientific vocabulary to validate my little essay and I have never been to a pride parade because I am an introvert, but I exist. I have these feelings. I am bisexual.
If you ever struggled with your sexuality, please read it.
If you are interested in bi-erasure, black bisexual psychology and similar topics, please read it.
If you are heterosexual and don't believe bisexuality is "just a phase" or just a step to becoming "fully gay", please read it.
"Bisexuality, for you, is not about loving men and women the same, but about loving difference
It is not about sexual curiosity or whose genitals you prefer: rather it is a commitment to open-mindedness."
~ Chitra Ramaswamy